Thursday, February 09, 2012
{ 7:06 AM }
Recently there is too much things weighing on my mind - convo, meeting the deadlines for exchange, rearranging my schedules for tuitions and canvassing. I think tomorrow I will settle some part of my exchange application so at least something off my mind. But then when i think about canvassing, i start to feel my head ache. Actually it is not the best of canvassing i can think of. i agree that there is some kind of sense of achievement when you see the kids enjoying. but as usual, given my nature, i became awkward every time i go for it since i am alone. i find that i cannot connect to them. i guess all my life i have been in a safe environment, nice people, good parents - i practically get whatever i want. i guess i will never be able to let them know that i understand. i really hope to understand them better, to share their problems and maybe help them achieve what their goals in life. but there is really a problem, there is a barrier. i think it's either me or them. This is a stepping stone for me if i am considering correctional psychology. will i not be a good counselor? i cant even handle young kids like them how am i going to handle prisoners? i am such a failure..
My mood hasnt been very good either these days. but it's more towards the lower part. been crying to myself nowadays. yet, i have to look strong on the outside. so where do all my tears go? it goes back into my heart. why am i in this state? when i am younger, whatever i do is to make my parents happy. now, i am doing things which i feel tired of doing already (just so that i will not cause others trouble). i am not happy, i am tired. i dont understand why from young till now i am not living my own life. i am living for others. but i really want a life of my own. i want to do the things i want to do, not care about what others think or say. all i want to do is just be happy. is this so difficult?